First and foremost my copy of Duke Nukem Forever has yet to arrive, so I may be disappointed. However I was reading this article on CNN and I feel the need to call this person a fool. Go ahead and read and after the jump you’ll get my two cents
First and foremost I am not going to sit here and argue that Duke Nukem Forever (DNF) will be a good game. I haven’t played it so I’ll be the first I might be defending a piece of crap. However this kind of review writing makes me berserk. Part one:
What Gearbox apparently didn’t do was overhaul the game. The screenshots you see here make it look like a good-looking game, but they don’t tell the whole story. It is not, on my Xbox 360, a good-looking game. At best, it can look a few years out of date; at worst, it is a blurry, stuttering mess.
First off if you were expecting DNF to be a new experience you should just sell your Xbox and give up. It’s a 14 year developing dinosaur that has gone through more overhauls and redesigns than most cars on the street today. Gearbox was simply going to finish what it was and put it out for the fans, they never ever said they were putting this up for a Game of the Year title. Secondly with 14 years of anticipation the game could not be different. Gearbox was painted in such a corner that they had to keep the game the same. Could you imagine the howls of hatred from people when DNF came out as a 3rd person shooter or a psychodrama. Right off the bat I am seriously questioning whether you played games in the 90s
Also you’re playing this on the 360? I again question your competence as a gamer. If you’re not playing DNF on a PC you’re not playing DNF. Sorry but any FPS game that has a PC option needs to be played on a PC. Without the mouselook you fail good sir.
Does it have a cover mechanic, like Gears of War? Nope. Do the enemies team up and intelligently flank you, like Halo? No. Does it even matter where you shoot them, like GoldenEye 007? Not as far as I can tell. All you have to do is point at the enemy and hold down the trigger
A cover scheme in a Duke Nukem game??? You must be kidding. Duke Nukem games have ALWAYS been about trigger happiness and mindless destruction over actual complicated game play. I literally spit my drink out when you brought up damage accuracy with Golden Eye. Your weapons are shotguns, freeze and shrink rays, and rocket launchers… How the hell do you emulate hitting someone only in the arm with a rocket launcher. Oh yeah you could just remove the enemy’s arm, but why? The game is for mindless destruction not some half ass GoW clone.
By the way you clearly did not play Halo 2 at all which you could run around 3/4 of the enemies in the last level. Someone smells like a noob and it isn’t me…
All the while, Duke is spewing one-liners that would embarrass Jean-Claude Van Damme. Look, I’m a childish guy. I’m cool with toilet jokes. But Duke’s humor isn’t so bad it’s good, it’s so bad it’s just… bad. It makes me giggle to think that I ever found any of it funny. (And believe me, 15-year-old me thought ‘Duke Nukem 3D’ was hilarious.)
This is the part of the article where I realized this person clearly is not a gamer. If you don’t like childish one liners than you shouldn’t play Duke Nukem. That’s what made Duke, well Duke. He’s a mashup of violence and pop humor jokes with a dash of pervert mixed in. Sorry but you just sound like some old whiny crybaby. “Ewww it’s offensive!” So pathetic.
Anyway I hope you seriously read this and consider a new job. Usually I’m OK with some game reviews but this was just such a misguided ignorant fluff piece I just had to respond. Seriously you sit there saying it’s an awful game, yet you enjoyed playing it? You look at the game and say its amazing museum piece, just after comparing it to games of today. You need to make up your mind before you write how you want to evaluate a game and in my opinion you have failed miserably at this.
So, when you’re done quitting your job do me a favor and point your boss to one of my blogs so they can get an actual game player to do reviews. KTHXBAI