Dear CNN: Your game reviewer is an IDIOT

First and foremost my copy of Duke Nukem Forever has yet to arrive, so I may be disappointed. However I was reading this article on CNN and I feel the need to call this person a fool. Go ahead and read and after the jump you’ll get my two cents

First and foremost I am not going to sit here and argue that Duke Nukem Forever (DNF) will be a good game. I haven’t played it so I’ll be the first I might be defending a piece of crap. However this kind of review writing makes me berserk. Part one:

What Gearbox apparently didn’t do was overhaul the game. The screenshots you see here make it look like a good-looking game, but they don’t tell the whole story. It is not, on my Xbox 360, a good-looking game. At best, it can look a few years out of date; at worst, it is a blurry, stuttering mess.

 

First off if you were expecting DNF to be a new experience you should just sell your Xbox and give up. It’s a 14 year developing dinosaur that has gone through more overhauls and redesigns than most cars on the street today. Gearbox was simply going to finish what it was and put it out for the fans, they never ever said they were putting this up for a Game of the Year title. Secondly with 14 years of anticipation the game could not be different. Gearbox was painted in such a corner that they had to keep the game the same. Could you imagine the howls of hatred from people when DNF came out as a 3rd person shooter or a psychodrama. Right off the bat I am seriously questioning whether you played games in the 90s

Also you’re playing this on the 360? I again question your competence as a gamer. If you’re not playing DNF on a PC you’re not playing DNF. Sorry but any FPS game that has a PC option needs to be played on a PC. Without the mouselook you fail good sir.

Does it have a cover mechanic, like Gears of War? Nope. Do the enemies team up and intelligently flank you, like Halo? No. Does it even matter where you shoot them, like GoldenEye 007? Not as far as I can tell. All you have to do is point at the enemy and hold down the trigger

 

A cover scheme in a Duke Nukem game??? You must be kidding. Duke Nukem games have ALWAYS been about trigger happiness and mindless destruction over actual complicated game play. I literally spit my drink out when you brought up damage accuracy with Golden Eye. Your weapons are shotguns, freeze and shrink rays, and rocket launchers… How the hell do you emulate hitting someone only in the arm with a rocket launcher. Oh yeah you could just remove the enemy’s arm, but why? The game is for mindless destruction not some half ass GoW clone.

By the way you clearly did not play Halo 2 at all which you could run around 3/4 of the enemies in the last level. Someone smells like a noob and it isn’t me…

All the while, Duke is spewing one-liners that would embarrass Jean-Claude Van Damme. Look, I’m a childish guy. I’m cool with toilet jokes. But Duke’s humor isn’t so bad it’s good, it’s so bad it’s just… bad. It makes me giggle to think that I ever found any of it funny. (And believe me, 15-year-old me thought ‘Duke Nukem 3D’ was hilarious.)

 

This is the part of the article where I realized this person clearly is not a gamer. If you don’t like childish one liners than you shouldn’t play Duke Nukem. That’s what made Duke, well Duke. He’s a mashup of violence and pop humor jokes with a dash of pervert mixed in. Sorry but you just sound like some old whiny crybaby. “Ewww it’s offensive!” So pathetic.

 

Anyway I hope you seriously read this and consider a new job. Usually I’m OK with some game reviews but this was just such a misguided ignorant fluff piece I just had to respond. Seriously you sit there saying it’s an awful game, yet you enjoyed playing it? You look at the game and say its amazing museum piece, just after comparing it to games of today. You need to make up your mind before you write how you want to evaluate a game and in my opinion you have failed miserably at this.

So, when you’re done quitting your job do me a favor and point your boss to one of my blogs so they can get an actual game player to do reviews. KTHXBAI

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2 comments on “Dear CNN: Your game reviewer is an IDIOT

  1. Hate to do this, but I have to disagree on a couple of your points here. And before I do, I will also offer a full disclaimer: I have not played this game and it is very very doubtful that I ever will.

    First, if a game exists on a specific platform, a reviewer should play it as if it does not exist on another platform. To say that a console FPS is inferior to a PC FPS may very well be true, but that does not mean that you should not review a game based on the merits of the specific platform it is released on. Each and every platform has it pluses and minuses. If a game is released on several platforms, I expect the reviewer to note in the review which performs the best/worst, but to disregard a specific version because it may or may not be inferior is not good journalism. When you buy a game, you don’t get all the versions… you can one version for the console of your choice. And I would argue that after the huge success of Black Ops (the highest grossing game of all time), the majority of gamers view consoles as the definitive FPS experience.

    Second, the reviewer is noting how the game feels very dated and doesn’t have many (or any) of the modern features of shooters. That’s a pretty solid point. When Gearbox acquired the rights to the game, they had the choice of either rebuilding the game with modern design or polishing a 14-year suck-in-development-hell game. It seems that they choose the latter and that may be disappointing to some people. If a game is released in 2011, it does not matter how long it took to make… I expect it to stand up next to other games in my library, be it Halo Reach, Borderlands, Gears of War… and based on what I’ve read and heard about the game, is that it feels dated. And, yes, something feeling dated is subjective to the reviewer… but that’s what a review is: a subjective opinion of a game.

    And lastly, and again based on what I’ve read and heard, the humor and gameplay design isn’t “so bad it’s good”. It’s just plain bad. When George Lucas released the Star Wars prequels, reviewers didn’t just say “well, it’s a Star Wars movie, so whatever the quality of the movie may be, it doesn’t matter”. That’s bullshit. If a movie has awful dialogue, stilted acting, and uninspired plotlines, it is likely a bad movie. If a game feels old, looks fairly dated, and uses it’s main tool of humor ineffectively, it is possibly not a great game. I get it, Duke is supposed to be offensive, and typically I love offensive things. South Park is one of my favorite shows of all time and no one would argue that show is not offensive. If Duke is offensive, Gearbox has the right to release it. If someone is offended, they have the right to complain. This is America and we live in a free society. But from what I’ve read is that the game tries to use offensive humor and falls short. Someone might find this game hilarious, someone else might find it stupid, and indeed someone else might find Duke’s misogyny offensive especially given that, like with 95% of the the video game market, is aimed at young males, some of whom will not be able to see the humor for what it is. But that all comes down to parenting and education, which is quite a different topic.

    Sorry to be so long winded, but Duke has seemed to stir up quite a discussion in the gaming community and that’s always a good thing.

    • Joe uses wall of text!
      It’s super effective
      Crit 9000

      I’m kidding hey everyone can have their opinion, if I didn’t want people disagreeing with me I wouldn’t have published.

      I totally understand your arguement with the Console vs. Computer debate for FPS. I didn’t intend to say that one was better than the other, though personally if there’s a PC option I’m going for it. There’s a reason Shadowrun’s cross platform experiment didn’t work, and it was because the PC players wiped the floor with the console players. My issue with this article and game in particular is the game was never ever developed for the console. Gearbox ported it (badly I might add) because they basically bought a DOA game and wanted to at least make an attempt to try to make money on the game.

      My biggest issue with the review was just straight ignorance on the part of the writer. Yes he was correct that the game was in development for 14 years and he incorrectly assumes that it would be an amazing game with all of that time developing. In fact DNF because the obsession of the head of 3D Realms, George Broussard, and went through revamp after revamp after revamp. And you can see it in the game, 2 weapons (Added when Halo came out) Puzzles (Added from Portal). All Gearbox did was cobble it together and release it for the fans. Of course it was going to be unpolished and only a true idiot, or someone really ignorant to the situation would expect some type of gaming masterpiece. Gearbox literally just wanted to release it so it would be out there and done and to expect anything at all from a game that has gone through this is just silly.

      That is the reason the game is dated and lumbering, because Gearbox was painted into a corner when they picked this up. They saw a way to endear some Duke fans to their label with minimal work. Even if the game sucked they achieved their goal, to get a Duke game out there and see what happens. Most of the levels feel cobbled and unfinished which is what I am basing my stance on, and I’m sorry if Mr. CNN blogger can’t be bothered to do any research on the game but that knowledge needs to be there for the reader to form their own opinions.

      Moreover, Duke Nukem games are SUPPOSED to be crappy IMO. You never went into Duke 3D or any of the previous Duke titles expecting some life altering experience. They’re the Troma Pictures of games and that was the appeal. If a Duke game makes you roll your eyes and say “Wow that was a bad line” it achieved its goal.

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